Dippy's Journal

11:34am: Once in a Lifetime
Summer Semester has ended. It went well. Here in two weeks life will be it's usual crazy crazy passe again. But when I feel inadequate this semester I will remember this past week and gain strength knowing God is with me =)

there's just something about soaking up the sun on the shores of lake Michigan that will always remind me of Jake. We've had some good conversations on those trips. And when things go wrong, like he gets hungry and I get easily irritated =P it seams like in the end we just grow closer. He has diminished my insecurities, they are nothing like they use to be. I feel beautiful with him, it didn't start off this way, no it took a lot of love to get me to this place =) what an amazing man he is!

He took me to see Switchfoot, and though this is the 3ed time I saw them in concert this is the first time they played my two favorite songs! Doesn't sound like a big deal but God has used both songs to encourage me so much especially through college, getting to where I am today, and continuing on this path. The songs were Only Hope and Learning to Breath, I'm sure I've posted both on here at one point of time or another. =)

the next day (yesterday) We saw Stellar Kart, I like them but I don't listen to this type of music very often any more. So I knew 2 songs. But God used them too to make me smile! I love disney movies and music, my favorite is Aladdin =D well they announced they have a new EP. with 4 disney songs on it! How cool! they sang Kiss The Girl <3 and A Whole New World. Yeah I was pretty ecstatic, clearly God had me in mind, and wanted me to know it!

Lastly we saw the Newsboys, who sang one of my favorite encouraging worship songs! (Mighty To Save) and of coarse ended the night with my favorite song by DC Talk (In The Light) it was their encore song (well they did a new one and Jesus Freak too).

As a side note I went shopping with Steph and John yesterday and had a lot of fun, plus I found some good clothing for cheap, and not only did I find my favorite colors, but I found some more professional looking stuff for presentations and those classes companies come to =) that'll be happening a lot more this year since its Sr. year. Plus we got some good quality Free makeup! Yay free. and I picked up a little something for Jake <3

I probably should get to fixing up some stuff and sending it to those who helped me w/ ID 2 research. And putting it up on my website thing =P plus I am making a small blanket (because I have time to now). Oh and I need to think up a good 2 year anniversary gift =) I'll leave with this super cool encouraging song...

Needle And Haystack Life

The world begins
with newborn skin
we are right now

you're a needle girl
in a haystack world
we are right now

you breathe it in
the highs and lows
we call it living

in this needle and haystack life
I've found miracle's there in your eyes
It's no accident we're here tonight
we are once in a lifetime

no, don't let go
don't give up hope
all is forgiven

you breathe it in
the highs and lows
we call it living

all is not lost
all is not lost
become who you are
it happens once in a lifetime
- Switchfoot

God Bless! I hope God gives you a big hug today and shows you how loved you are! (Colossians 1:22) Because what He started in your heart, He will finish (Philippians 1:6)

-Amber

7:06am: note to self
Stylizing should Never be done on photoshop. It is a complete waste of time. boo.
oh and coffee is good.

Post about the Tonic Concert and Jakes b day to follow later =)

11:02am: you have stolen my heart
I'm putting together a scrap book together for a certain someone's birthday.
And I find it funny that all those girly lists of things "I'd like to do together someday" that I have had... well most of the items are crossed off now. I wish we had taken more pictures now, but I think everyone feels that way especially as they get older. I feel like time is flying by and I finally feel like I am where I need to be. My roommate situation I think is beneficial to the both of us (ok maybe if I stop hiding in the basement working on this... but there is too much crap to take up stairs w/ me lol). I like this college (I use this in reference to discipline), it's hard, its a challenge, but its so fun! The other day we cut a big piece of foam =) Stephanie sat on top of it and I held the side while the boys cut at it, then Adam (our professor) did all the ban saw cutting and we stood around and talked... I think this summer will be a fun one. I'm making a power tool =P For my ID 2 class I'm trying to innovate IV therapy, and though it's a bit late (we only had a week for research)someone from Spectrum Health is helping me do extended research! how fun is that! =) Now I actually have (usable) space and time to get organized! Working on school work is so much less a task here. I think Jake will enjoy the environment here much more too. Stephanie and John are so helpful plus him and John both like gardening. I'm excited to help them out a bit around here too! Like re-painting the sun room and maybe tiling it (which will be great to know how to do). Now I have a resources to take care of my health as well. It seams life is ultimately the most enjoyable ever! Most of my friends I'm making now are married (or I'll be in their wedding this year sometime). My friends Andrea and Aaron are so much fun and so helpful, they remind me of my family, I feel like most of my friends are family to me now. >.> oh man rant... I think I need to get back to the scrap book... it's not making itself!

hmmm I wonder why I still use this... I think it's because it just seams almost intuitive.

1:14pm: the things you dream to be
I wanted before to do something great, to be respected, to wake up and my job would be something fun like drawing and photoshop. I wanted to have a big portfolio case and draw great things... lets face it =) I wanted to be "cool".


This whole year I've been kicked by reality, knocked down when I've already been low. I can' tell you how many times I almost called it quits, I nearly gave up. too much was way too much. this major is sucker punch from reality "someone might look at that and ask why you wasted your time making it" I learned that you need to justify your design And understand a project ... ask questions... then ask them again until you get it. I found out I'm not as strong at drawing as I thought I was. I may be good in smalls vill hick town but here in the city I just felt so behind. I found that some personalities mix, others not so well. For the first time I experienced that a bad "home" affects all areas of your life, ability to work, stress level, even health. I also found that even if you put your all into a project and try your hardest... you might still not do well on it. I have been so low, but I don't regret it, because now I know how to clime. I know how to strike back. Most of all, I know better then to give up.

This past year I have had my closest friend (and so much more) there to hold me when the rain came. He reminded me that I'm loved no mater what I chose to do with my life. This year I found that a good roommate can encourage you when you need it most. I found good friends can be not only a voice of reason, but help you accomplish more then you thought you ever could. I learned that people are more understanding then you think they my be. I found out that if Tom tells you to change your project in such and such way... you better listen because he knows what the hell he's talking about (that's why he has a bunch of design awards and designed the chars at school). I found out the people in my major are helpful... really helpful, beyond normal nice they really go above and beyond to help you =)

The most important is I learned to get a backbone. I know I'm worth something. I know I'm beautiful (helps that I lost a bit of weight too)... and now I realize, I can do this. I did Really well at the Focus group yesterday. One lady said "I'd pay more for that... I mean upwards of $100" which was big because the same group said "I wouldn't buy that even if it was at the dollar store!" to another product. I was the last to go and I was a runner up (they chose 6 people from our class to have their products presented to 2 groups of 8 people) the last 2 products mine and another were only if they had time to get to them. I ended up getting 2nd place for most desired product by all members of the first group and 1st place with the second group... who were quite a bit harder to impress (they were brutal). I can't help but be excited because up until now I have felt as though I am the weakest ID student there is. Now I know I can be good at this. And lets face it being on the other side of a two way mere watching people react to the projects from our class (or at least half of them) was a blast! Plus Industrial Designers are just hilarious... it takes a special type of person... man I actually feel like I fit in here.

"cool, can it fly and cook me breakfast too!?" -Tom

"you don't want to polish a terd"-Adam

"Your husband entertained you!?" -Tom

(4th time explaining)
"you make the negative of the seat... so you need to account for the plastics thickness...do you get it?"
(nodding) "I've got be honest with you Danny, no, could you show me one more time?" -vince

"this memory foam is cool!" -Steph
"yeah it remembers me really well"- Jake

"In order to pass my class your final must bring a tear to my eyes" - Adam

"that looks really good, but I just don't trust bathroom doughnuts"

(class giggles)
"what... it's a whip cream dispenser" -Keven (just about the only time he was actually funny)



I think this should be a good year and a half... I'm looking forward to summer classes. The end of this semester and Next year... I feel a bit more prepared for. Now Keven can tell me my drawings look like dog shit and I'll just smile. because I have learned that some professors aren't worth wasting your time trying to impress... If anything I'd much rather impress the chair of the program =) Tom. My summer classes are with Adam which is great because he's helpful and honest (and funny). Now I get to see the same people in all my classes and honestly even the ones I thought were mean at first really are nice guys. (I keep saying guys because in many of my classes there are only 2 or 3 girls ... including me)

Oh yeah... "the two girls Kicked Ass yesterday in the focus group" =) and the other girl is my roommate, the rest of the class are guys, who apparently cant design for the kitchen ;) guess we had the upper hand there.


(please note I'm not usually this full of myself, it's just great to have a confidence boos to look back at once and a while)


Now I need to get to work =) Next week 2 big charcoal drawings are due, 10 product drawings (3 vies a page so more like 30), a refurbished product made from crap is due, A presentation encompassing Everything from this past semester is all due.

Then I get to spend a whole week with Jake! I can't wait to encourage him and make him dinner, things might be going well for me now, but he's been busting his butt all year and is almost done with school, he definitely needs a pick me up soon <3 hopefully I can think up something good to surprise him with =)


Also I can't leave this out because it's undeniable... I couldn't have done any of that, or gotten through any of this without God's help. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right field but He says in Phillipians that He is giving the desire and power to do what pleases Him. I want to use product design to help people... this all is one more step to that. Yay ^.^

now to go get more coffee... and back to photoshop Then Rhino.

7:28pm: the ones were thankful for
it's great when you realize that love was never about finding some ideal person who matches this idea you have of what you think you want in a significant other. It's not about all you have to gain from a relationship, or even the excitement that comes from getting to know someone in such a new and personal way. But instead finding all you need in the arms of a man, through the ups and excitement, to the downs of hardships, through all the embarrassments of being human and the successes that come in life... And all in all finding in the end that all you want, is what you already have with that person you love.

I never knew it but all along I knew the most romantic notion about love was that it is a choice. Daily you chose to show your lover that they are appreciated, respected, and looked up to. That you cherish them, even when they are less then slow to anger, when they are the imperfect person they are. And in return you find they still love you, even when you cry at every little thing, or fall short of perfection in some way yourself. More appropriately, we learn this love for one another, from a God who first loved us, in our imperfection. Through the imperfections, embarrassments and failures of our human existence to the job well done and successes of our lives, through hunger and abundance, God assures us that the love he has will never change. We find in Him not what we think we've always wanted, but instead what we've always needed. And in the end we are grateful for that love.

This week through that oh so formilure stress of due dates, homework deadlines, paperwork deadlines, early morning work and late school nights, as well as a lack of founds and time... maybe caffeine too. I ask why I had to walk through all these things again... but in the end I found God's abundance in such a way that I could never forget. Jake, for one, has been a huge blessing... with his loving words and trying his best to go above and beyond to provide for my needs. My friends at school also cheering me up and helping me with homework. To my professor canceling class giving me extra time to work on my model for another class, and my mom even encouraged me tonight, as well as my sister and Cherie. Lets not forget some things actually going right with my project. In the end God provided Everything I needed to trust Him for.

I wont have the time to post before Thanksgiving, so here it is, a very big thank you to the ones I love =) I'd never be here if it were not for you.

9:54pm: this song always makes me smile
I heard the sound of your first breath
A brand new life on your mother’s chest
A beating heart, expectant eyes
On the first day of your life
I saw you take your first step
And I watched you run with no regret
To chase your dreams and find true love
And the best is yet to come

So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live

Remember how you felt from across the room
When you realized someone had eyes for you
And the way your heart sang cuz you believed
You were worth something

So come with me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live
Oh, I’ll show you how to live

Cuz I created your heart
That makes you feel
I am the love that makes it real
Oh, I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One

So come with Me
I’ll show you life
Even better than this
Come with Me
I’ll show you love
You didn’t know could exist
Better than your first crush
Better than your first kiss
I’ll show you how to live

Cause I am the One, I’m the One, I’m the One
I am the one, I’m the One, I’m the One

- SANCTUS REAL

9:09pm: fears and flight
the ups and downs of college mostly consist of "wow this is fun" moment combatting with "damn this is way too much" moments... somewhere in-between the two of those I found hope in God, that He has me here for a reason. I wont give up because I've already made it this far. Just 2 years to go after this semester ends. I'll be done sooner then I thought. The hardest part of all of this is having to trust that in some way, at the end of all this, Jake and I will still be together. But when I look back on God's provision thus far, my fear melts. When I think of how well we fit together, our similarities, and our differences too. How he encourages me to keep trying, to be on task, to do my best with what I have now. When I think of how he cares for me, even from so far away... it makes the time it'll take, the distances between, and the ups and downs of our relationship so worth it. I think I'm still afraid to make the same mistakes as before with Jake, I don't ever want him to feel that I don't trust him, or that he needs to hide things from me. I want more than anything for him to feel that I love him and am here for him, and so is God. When he suggested praying together to get through a tough time, my heart melted. I think he has the strength to lead but sometimes needs to be reminded. As hi girlfriend (and hopefully one day more) I want to be that reminder, "dear love, your strength keeps my heart safe, your warmth keeps me from the cold, your caring provision has encouraged me so, tell me how I can do the same for you, and be the woman you need"

ID still is worth pursuing. God has brought me here, and placed new encouraging people in my life as well. I have a job and a place to live... I have a lot to be thankful for.

My relationship with Jake is worth being strong for, and patient for. God helped us to meet and made plenty of things clear about the blessing we can be to each other.

12:38pm: Beautiful You
I look at the horizon underneath a glowing moon
Gathering starlight, whispering prayers to you
I was hoping she could be the one
She stole the words right off of my tongue
And I’ve never wanted so bad to pretend I’m someone else instead
How beautiful you are

But there’s a different plan for me
Something better that I cannot see
And it can only be beautiful wherever you are

It’s a wonderful world I see when you’re in my eyes
I always lose sight of me when you’re in my eyes
I never want to move I never want to find
that I’ve wasted all my time away from beautiful you

Sunday night she finally said “no” in a sweet melodious tone
We were walking in the rainfall beneath the cover of a nylon dome
O Lord won’t you make this clear
was my prayer since November last year
Now I’ve never wanted so bad to be somebody else instead
How beautiful you are

Cause there’s a different plan for me
Something better that I cannot see
You’re keeping my hands free to receive
There’s a different plan for me
Something better that I cannot see
And it can only be beautiful wherever you are


- Reilly


Have you ever looked back and seen the bigger picture, and how it all lead up to where you are today. I heard this song first during the Panama City Beach mission trip. I think this song described perfectly how I felt about a few of the crushes I had that year and the years to follow. I wasn't sure how it added up, nun of the christian guys were interested in me. So my focus shifted to knowing God had something better. With one group of friends we'd exchange back massages =P sounds silly but I got pretty good at it. I'd practice on Laycee when she had a bad day. I exchanged recipes with my co-workers. And a few friends and I would do little dinner parties. I'd offer cooking for cru things and for Laycee and one of my co-workers and I would do dinners back and forth. Life is always about useing the best you have now for the good of those around you, to help you be a better blessing to the ones who will come later in your life. I'm by no means perfect, but some of the greatest things I have to offer are an overflow of the skills I learned during that time in my life. Another was painting, that one I did for Make A Wish, and the one of aquilla and percilla, that one Ironically inspired by a song by Jake's favorite band (painted before I even knew him), all add up and made painting us together possible.

you see where this is going don't you? Jake constantly is telling me how he loves my cooking (even if I do take quite a time to do so) =) and the back massages too. The painting and other creative things I've made for him like the wooden box I could tell he enjoyed. Had I not been willing to be used where I was, look at what gifts would be missing here. We saw Reilly together and that just made me smile (I didnt think they were that popular, but they played before Third Day last night) That song was so appropriate for the purpose God intended it for the moment.

When I think of the future I cant help be be afraid, but when I think of how far I've come, the fear is gone, so far away. I need to remember that even though I have the blessing of this caring man in my life, I've been blessed with someone to love, but that should not hinder my love in an overflow for Christ. I need to stop this stand still of not working my hands for God's good, and good of his people! Giving good gifts doesn't stop with a relationship, instead that is where it should blossom =)

10:42pm: as of July 18
Quick update

Jakes birthday went well, thanks to Cherie helping me make that German chocolate cake =D

He liked his gift (mostly the painting)

it was
a painting of us at Grand Haven
a mixture of different foods from world market
a cross necklace
RC (the remote control car from toy story)

and He surprised me (that boy) and got us tickets to the Switchfoot and Goo Goo Dolls show (which I wanted to get for him) So other than some leisurely coffee time, gift opening and cake eating (oh and I took a nap as he did some homework), we went and had a good time at Pine Knob =) if you ever get a chance, both bands are Great in concert! I think the opening band was Spill Canvas, they were ok. Anyway it's great that he finally took his birthday off of work and had some fun, and seeing one of his favorite bands I think was a good way to spend it!

Still though I think my favorite concert will always be Tonic =)

it's crazy how in exactly one year you can go from new friends who hardly know each other, to a relationship full of new exciting things, and furthermore to trusting, loving and growing together in a way that little disagreements, hurt feelings and all the things that come between two hearts just seem to melt away in the real picture of how much we mean to each other, how much we love and are loved in return.

7:23pm: Tonic
Come on baby get your shoes on
You're looking like you need a rescue
Underneath the southern moonlight
Where only I can find you
We can do it with our eyes closed
We can sit and talk for hours
Underneath the golden flowers
Where my sunshine grows

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn
Sugar may hide
Sugar may learn

I could give a thousand reasons
I could give a thousand lives
I know I would always meet you
Underneath a summer sky
So come on tell me love is glory
Come on tell me love is real
Show me what your heart is made of
Show me what I need to feel

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn
Sugar may hide
Sugar may burn

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

I waited so long for a love so true
So I'm giving it all right back to you
I'm giving you my best of silver
I'm giving you my best of gold

Sugar my love
Sugar my burn

So come on baby get those shoes on
And we can run away from here
Talk about a life we're starting
We can start it all right here

Show me that love is worth the wait
Tell me I'm right
Give me your love don't hesitate
Show me tonight

-Sugar

Happy 10th =) so ironically the concert landed a day after our 10 month anniversary. Jake and I laid in the sun on the shores of lake Michigan for a few hours. Then ate homemade chicken sandwiches in the park, caught the end of the art show going on that day. Walked around the dock in Muskegon a bit. Then saw one of his, and now one of my favorite bands play. He even danced with me during Sugar <3 (and I got a big kiss too) people were kind of looking at us, but it didn't matter. We didn't miss any songs either, we stayed till the end. We got home and had desert and wine (didn't quite turn out like I had in mind but it was still good). It was a great day, I know I'll remember it forever. The funny thing is nothing was perfect, he came over late, I didn't finish the gift I wanted to give him that night, the first two bands were so loud we almost left, my insulin pen didn't work all the way... we still enjoyed our time together, I just wish he wouldn't give up so easily on bad situations. I know, oh I know making the most of things gets old. But it's far better than giving up and going home, just in the case of things turning out, like they did the 3ed. I was so happy when we danced I almost cried. Any day with him, even the ones we disagree on... make days like today worth getting through. Did I mention I hate goodbyes? Every goodbye becomes more difficult the more I see him. God wasn't lying, with someone your attention is divided... but also two are better than one, he has helped me through so much this year, I only hope I can not only do the same for him, but show him how thankful I am.

7:20pm: oh so close
So I'm painting Jake and I it's a super cute picture, I think it's my favorite of us! He'll get it for his birthday ...if I can figure out these darn shades! >=0 I'm not going to lye the shading on our faces is flat out aggravating. Extreme lights and the darks have a blueish tint (maybe due to the water). But too much blue makes us look like zomies! Maybe raw umber to the rescue? ... maybe I need to set up some lights because the sun is so not helping right now!

Ok I should get back to work... I'm debating, if it's finished by then to give it to him after the tonic concert this Saturday <3 ooo. and hopefully my room will be in good condition by then too... let's not talk crazy though ;) (esp because I have a feeling I'll pick up a lot of hours this week + applying for a better job, which i really haven't done much of)

ok back to work...

3:49pm: creating rainbows
it seems still that the thunderstorms in life just bring people closer together. This year has been hard, incredibly hard, but God brought a man into my life to hold my hand, and to send prayers when were at a distance. We don't always agree, but we do love each other enough to forgive, forget, learn and press on forward. I wish we could make promises, I wish we could make plans, but the truth is my life has never ben that way. Anything worth having, any place worth getting to, I've gotten too by faith. Faith isn't walking without direction, instead it's taking life step by step, and looking forward to an outcome you don't have all planned out. Sometimes it's unclear how you'll even get going, I guess that's were trust comes in. I need constant reminders that God's plan is in my best interest.

Last night I watched the sun set over lake michigan with the one person I haven't even known a whole year, but have grown so close to that I can say he not only is my closest friend (and so much more), but is the one person I trust most. I get choked up just thinking about him moving, I get choked up thinking about he future at all. At least this time I think I know what I want. Before I was so wishy washy, with no idea, I just wanted to be a wife. I like Industrial Design, I think I can do it. The jobs are all on the west side of the state though. Jake will be getting a job as a radiology tech after this year. We may be at very different walks in life now, but in the end I'd like to move to Holland with him. Ironic how that's exactly where we were last night. I guess it really wouldn't matter where I lived if I was with him, but that seems like the perfect place for him, right off of the lake. If not there, I could try to do freelancing from wherever he is. I guess it's all a long ways away, but I cant imagine a future without him in it, I wouldn't want to. When you love someone you want what's best for them, you want to make their day go well, you want to see them smile... it's called sacrifice and Jesus taught us that it's how to love, since it's how He loved us. Amazing how many people miss that point. Jake gets it, I can tell by the way he treats me, the way he makes me smile, even the way he teases me is just to get me to laugh. I feel the same, I love making him food, I love seeing him smile, I want to do what he wants to do, I like what he likes (and I even like cars now! lol). In no way is this one sided, we both appreciate each other too! His family is caring, and much like mine as far as social economical status, so we can relate on just about all levels.

it's so funny how things I never thought would mater in a relationship, or in a man really do matter. I had no idea what I would need, or why I am how I am, who would need me to be that way. Until now. God knows better our needs then we know ourselves, he provides in ways we can't imagine and often times would disagree with. But in the end we enjoy life more His way than our own.

I may have changed a fair amount this year, but I still know God's love, and though not always fatefully I love Him as well, and can be thankful for the rain and the sun that follows it. Jake has been there for me through some super tough times this year, even early in our relationship, and in return I will be here for him through whatever comes our way this next year. Love endures =) and continues to grow, and I'd have it no other way!

I'm hoping I can get this painting finished for his birthday ^.^ and maybe even give it to him at the Tonic concert we're going to next week! That would totally make my day that day! I probably should get back to working on it. (and maybe get some food)

Later

1:07am: Acoustic...
Yesterday was not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today with every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history of what's gone wrong
That the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see
But I'm finally catching on to it
Yeah the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
Yeah I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

Now I have
All that I could ever need
The confidence of knowing there's still time
Time to make amends
And try to build a better me
And to take the right steps as this road unwinds

Yeah, I'm finally catching on to it
Yeah the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
Yeah I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you

For you never cease to supply
Me with with what I need for a good life
So when I'm down I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why, yeah you're why - Reliant K


..."why is it taking you so long? do you just get distracted or something? You need to get that done. If you can't make it happen then what are you going to do when this is your career?"

any determination I had tonight has been crashed, I'm going to bed and hopping in 5 hours after some rest I can tackle the mountain of homework due these next two days. I'm amazed that the one I love so much can make me feel this way, even if it wasn't on purpose it still sucks. But before that God gave me a big hug and told me it'll all be ok by providing tonight and tomorrow morning of no work to get my homework done... I can't forget that, I cant let this get me down and be rendered ineffective. Jake didn't mean to bring me down, sometimes it just happens. besides this is only once out of the hundreds of times he made me feel like I can do it. It just reminds me that God's view of me should still be the most influential on my heart and life, or I probably will give up.

4:30pm: Attachment
I knew this might happen, but so soon? And in such a way as this? Why is it I can’t avoid the obstacles of time and distance? Sometimes Jake say’s things like “if this continues in this way this wont work” if he only knew how hard I am trying to make living here work. I sure He does, but he’s worried about me, who can blame him? It’s obvious from all sides two jobs and school is too much. But now there’s another dynamic in all this. Come September 1.5 hours distance in our relationship is turning into 5 or 6 hours. I’m going to give up, He’s been here for me and I’m going to do the same, the best I can. But I don’t think he realizes just how lonely it can get (esp. because He’ll be living alone, no roommate) Or how different living on your own can be from living at home. I’m willing to drive if I can, I’m trying to think of plans and ways to encourage him from so far away because he thinks he’s driving back home every weekend and even if finances were no issue stress wise that’s just unrealistic. Any suggestions would be awesome! …now I see why I dated Shawn, I needed to learn so that someday I may be prepared for this (God likes to do that w/ our past… also have helped/ encouraged others through from experience).

I have changed in a way, I’m more confident in who I am, and who I need to be. I know I’m beautiful, at least I am to God and to Jake (and that’s all that matters). I know that I’m not a burden, I am loved just as I am. But part of me is still afraid this all is going to end, esp because of all we are going through all at once… then again Jake is a strong strong man, and has encouraged me through some tough things already. I only can hope and pray I can help him in the same way he helped me… once he moves he’ll need encouragement for sure. I just wish I could offer more. I may need to save up for some trips, and get some books on cds =)… he may need to get use to getting work done with me there, and I may need to take homework with me. I may need to ask weekends off and spend some holiday breaks there. Adjustments may need to happen, but he is so worth it.

I guess to start with I should take care of my health so he’s less stressed out about that =/

I can’t tell how healthy this attachment is for 8 months of dating, but then again I never knew what a “normal” relationship was like anyway lol

And I’ve been listening to Way too much country.





Oh any suggestions on what to make him for dinner this Thursday would be cool too =)

10:37pm: something to share
this song never fails to encourage me (along with like all her other music.)

I often feel as though I fall short, in school, at work, in relationships... with health, with family, with God. I could do more, care more, call more, send more letters, actually show how thankful I am, I could be more. The dilemma is that I often feel spread to thin, so much so that the things that need to be done Immediately take top priority. I definitely need some sort of balance. I am beginning to realize just who I am, and what I'm not. I am beautiful, and wonderfully made, I am not a burden to others. I often have that pending fear that I am annoying, overbearing, I care too much, or I care too little, either way to those around me my existence can be trouble some... esp. with my health. Why would a guy actually choose to be close to someone like me? Well God has provided a voice of reason. "Because your worth it, you outweigh your poor circumstance with who you are". I am so thankful to be dating a man who care so much about me, and who is much more concerned with my health then my looks or anything else for that matter. I don't Need to impress him with gifts, but I find that I want to shower him with love =) because I feel so loved! I think with God it can be like that too, you finally notice His love for you abundant in every way, from birds singing sweet morning songs to the sky lit with stars at night. Weather His grace is in abundance through an extended homework deadline or a call from a loved one, when we take a second to notice His love around us, despite our current condition, we want to react to God in a loving manner. What I mean by condition is, weather or not I feel far behind, out of sink with His plan, I haven't read the word in way to long, or maybe even stopped caring... God's love isn't dependent on my love for Him, but rather my love is a reaction to first being loved without any sort of condition... Sometimes remembering this reminds me that all I have to offer anyone was a gift to me in the first place.

Look up Jennifer Knapp if time allows you. This is " martyrs and Thieves"

There's a place in the darkness that i used to cling to
That presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Tho' I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say i am strong
As the darkness covers me

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than i thought i had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life i have been, have squandered 'til pallid and then
Hung my head in shame and refuse to take blame for the darkness i know i let win

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

Well, i've never been much for the bearing of soul in the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure, in the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend by the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in your will to reveal all of You that I can

So turn on the lights and reveal all the glory, i am not afraid.
To bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness, i have a kingdom to gain.
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light, i am not afraid
To let your light shine bright in my life, in my life

There's a place in the darkness that i used to cling to
That presses harsh hope against time.


...Thursday I'm attending a Newsboys and Third Day concert with the man I love... I wonder what God has in store for us.

2:37pm: if I was a car coffee would be my fuel.
put put put *takes a sip* ...ah better!

Yesterday consisted of work 6am-10am
where I introduced myself and was laughed at yet again... half of my co-workers (more then half) are hispanic and speak so-so English... so I wondered if my name means maybe something else? a guy that works there and often flirts with everyone calls me Amber-gaisa? I kept telling myself he treats everyone this way because for the most part he does, but he whistled at me yesterday... I hadn't seen him do that to anyone else yet. I hope I am not unintentionally flirting back... it doesn't help I blush at Anything (really and anyone, from compliment to spilled coffee) =/

anyway Class from 12:30-6:30pm I was dead walking home... x_x very. So much so I got home and forgot to eat (even though I hadn't had food in 10-11 hours)

I'm making some new friends... one of which I'm not sure I can handle talking to =/ "cheap people eat cheap food" it's hard for me to relate to people who dont appreciate anything and who's values are so... backwards. I know I need to be accepting of Everyone and love them as Christ loved me... weather or not I understand what their saying about me in spanish, or that they take life for granted (we all do to an extent), or even if they hate me... You meet some interesting people at art school, but I have to admit Elizabeth is a great person I want to get to know her better. And I met a girl in drawing class yesterday who seemed cool too.

Last night I prayed I'd get to see Jake sometime this week. I was about to turn in early (yes I did my meds Cherie) because I had to be at work by 5am today. (yeah long day #2 on its way right) I had the thought... well at least he isn't staying the night tonight =D because my room is a mess and I need sleep so very badly! (it's a bit harder to sleep w/ two in a full bed) So then he called and last minute suggested coming over... last night. How was I suppose to say no? I wouldn't get to see him if I said no, plus he was willing to drive all the way here after working 8 hours =/ ...


I am running mostly on caffeine, but couldn't be happier =D <3
So I'm listening to spanish music lol, and I danced with one of the older co-workers today =P
downside of the day was not knowing what to say to "*blows kiss* Amber, I really like you" ... I replied with I'm sorry but I have a boyfriend (not happening dude, beside I thought he knew that anyway... this is the guy that flirts w/ like everyone) "I know" he replied... then what do you say... ??? =/ I don't want to make enemies at work or hurt feelings but I don't want to lead people on either, I love Jake, I'd never want to hurt him like that. At least it's not as bad as the casino yet (talk bout being hit on).

there's been a lot of full days lately, like the day I worked at Mc. Donald's and Old Navy in the same day, both weren't terribly long shifts though (but both had unplanned elements to them) It's a good thing I <3 surprises!

There really are a lot of opportunities living here, people at school like actually getting to talk and know each other! Work at MC. Ds is full of different cultures (not just hispanic), which we all know I like. And Old Navy co-workers want to do a Bible study together =) And IDSA and various student opportunities (there are quite a lot).
Sometimes I hate living here, but Jake and others keep reminding me of every blessing, it may be hard at times but God has provided thus far and I think I am where he wants me to be.

sorry that all wasn't very interesting.
God Bless! =)

9:43pm: The end of the decade ~2009
January-
1st End of my last Indy Christmas Conference, it was a good time. 90s party, Sanctus Real concert, and worship =D

Jimmy Wane concert w/ my friend Nichole… they didn’t check me for id (you had to be 21 to get in) I got lucky =P (didn’t drink either lol… but then again I never do)

February-

Birthday was fun, Went to Redeye w/ family (you know that’s what you guys are ;) ) the day after was cool too My roommates sang me happy birthday in Spanish and Ashley and Heather surprised me too. All around a joy =D

March –
Not a whole lot going on I think … just school and work

Portfolio Review @ Kendall… didn’t get in yet but I did get lost in downtown GR lol.

April-
Ditto?
Went on a few dates =/ (glad that didn’t go anywhere)

Spring Retreat …lots of quiet time w/ God =)

May-
Last few days at MMCC, went out for smoothies. Japanese Class went out for Mexican food lol.

Last picknick w/ Cru, goodbyes and hugs <3 and encouraging notes.


June-

Hopped apartments and hung out a whole lot w/ Laycee… and got a new (er) car! =P

Mostly worked, hung out with Megan a bit.

July-
White Snake Concert with Co –workers/ friends =)


4th Fire Works! With family/friends and I got to see Carol there too!

Got into Kendall

August –

Lifehouse Concert with co-workers

First date with Jake =)
Met at KIYA, went out to eat, walked in the park, sat next to a fireplace (lol at soaring eagle… he met chef Ahly =P) watched shooting stars… ate PB and J. good day.

22nd Moved to Grand Rapids

Got lost on the bad side of division =( bad day
September
First days of school, Adventuring out into GR with Jake (and made him dinner, he won my heart with music and chocolates =P)

Day at Lake Michigan with Jake… laying on the beach listening to the waves and watching the sunshine! (and our first kiss), he decided seeing me for half a day (I had school that day too) was more fun then using his vacation to go to Traverse City… I think we started dating this day too.

Ren Joshy and Cherie came to viset me! Fun day <3

Jake and I walked around to see Art Prize (a contest in town)… my fav. Was the lock ness monster in the grand river, or the table and chairs on the bridge.


October


Sweetest day we went to football game with Laycee and Mike (her fiancé) and played apples to apples (good game)

Halloween spent with Family and close friends (I miss you guys!) Gt to see mis Rachel too!

I went shopping w/ Ren and Cherie sometime during this month…fun day except I was the only one feeling well =(

November

Lots of Job searching … got a job at Old Navy =D
…but close to no hours

Thanksgiving w/ Family

Jake got me a Christmas cactus… his name is Spike =D
December

Put up the tree Jake got for us <3

Really great random day- Woke up next to Jake, went to work for 3 hours, spent the day with Jake applying places. Went downtown for Falafels (real ones, yummy!), and walked around a bit. Got cheap awesome coffee, had an interview, went to sleep with Jake still here <3 (don’t get any bad ideas)

Christmas with Jake’s family =) his family is so nice, his dad is a lot of fun too! =D and his mommy can really cook (as well as his grandma). This was a lot better then last year working on Christmas. I made him a scarf and a wooden box I woodburned a design with our names and memories into, then stained and finished.

30th I surprised Jake with a Mexican soup, candlelight and Chocolate truffles =D! I like cooking lol. (and Mexican is his fav. Dark chocolate too)

31st was mostly spent with Jake but he had to go home because he worked early.

2010 Should be a good year, some things I’m looking forward to are Winter Jam (yay Third Day and Newsboys), maybe camping with Jake this summer. Some of my classes, and even work. But it wont be easy having 2 jobs and full time school. So your prayers are really helpful! Also being that Jake works and has school and lives and hour and a half away it my be hard to see each other and we’ll find out where his clinical will be in March, so I’m praying that all works out too. Also, the city can be cool, but lets face it… I miss everyone =( so 2010 will have it’s ups and downs.

Happy New year!

7:51pm: I can't let you go...
well I sort of miss this place only enough to post a lousy quiz I'm only doing because it was a rather stressful day lol. feel free to read on or stop reading here, this isn't important and every time I try to quit this old journal I end up back on it if only to do ridiculous quizzes to unwind. lol if I'm spamming your friends page just delete me. =)


For starters, what's your name?
depends on who your asking...

This survey gets REAL personal, are you sure you're ready?
if I don't like the question I wont answer it...

How are you doing today?
bad, hence the quiz.

Sex ruins relationships, right?
not at all, it enhances them if the circumstances are right. However it can ruin them if done prematurely. I personally think marriage is a great way to ensure the premature thing that differs with different people I guess.

How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want?
0, maybe one someday... maybe.

Do you think it’s a bunch of bs when people say “I have no regrets"?
no in-fact I said that today. I believe you learn from your mistakes.

Do you get scared during scary movies?
rarely

Have you cried in front of your number one? (this is a myspace quiz)
almost, he's heard me crying over the phone before =P it's hard to cry when I'm with him because I'm happy... the almost time was happy tears.

How do you feel right now?
better

Do you like hugs?
who doesn't?

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
yes

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
Industrial designer... oh how I enjoy my into class! (yay monkey night light!)

Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it?
yep

Is there someone you don't ever want out of your life?
there are quite a few people I don't ever want out of my life... (I'll be seeing most of them in heaven too!)

Are relationships ever really worth it?
yes, a thousand times yes.

Honestly, are things going the way you planned?
Not at all, isn't it great!? Well except the art student thing =P but generally things are not at all like I thought they'd be at graduation, great thing is life is 100 to the 100th power better.

Do you miss your past?
no, but it seams I'm reminded of childhood a lot, which makes me smile! And high school wasn't all that great compared to now anyway. (well it had it's moments, I miss drama for sure)

What were you doing last night at midnight?
sleeping

What do you want in your life right now?
the ability to give back to those who have given so much to me, to show them love and how grateful I am to have them in my life, not just Jake (though he is definitely included) but a lot of my close friends and family.

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 48 hours?
yes, at bigbee coffee, near their not lit but quite pretty fireplace, who knew bigbee would have such a cool seating area! =P (Jake's too good at finding romantic places... no really he is)

Is your room messy or clean?
=( not as bad as usual but I'd like it to be much cleaner/ more organized.

Who's bed were you on last other than your own?
oh... huh Kendra's I think... (she's my roommate)

How late did you stay up last night and why?
11 something, I was really really tiered

What were you doing this morning at 5:30?
sleeping

What's something you're looking forward to?
Christmas! ...wait Thanksgiving.... or maybe the end of the semester? ... seeing Jake this week. A lot.

What song do you have stuck in your head?
Let Me love You- Third Day

Did you take a shower today?
oh yes. yay for smelling nice =)

What's your favorite color?
Deep red, sort of a wine color.

Do you like cheeseburgers?
rarely ... I much prefer chicken or turkey burger.

How much longer until you're 18?
um almost negative 3 years...

How long did you know your current crush/​​boyfriend/​​girlfriend?​​
July so umm 5 months. but we've been dating for about 3.

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
yes

Have you ever finished a game of monopoly?
I'm not sure if I ever finished it playing by the rules where you don't just deal out the property.

Explain the last reason you were mad:
my roomy threw milk away because it had ice in it. the next time this happened she just bought more milk and drank that so I'm not mad any more lol. (I hate wasting things)

Do you currently have any hickies on your neck?
no... I don't think Jake even knows how to give a hickie lol

Have you ever fallen asleep in somebody's arms?
oh yes, best feeling ever.

Is anything bothering you right now?
yeah, but it's not a big deal.

You smoke pot, don't you?
never have never will.

Are you fan of Lil Wayne?
not really. ok no.

When's the last time you wanted to punch somebody?
um... a long time ago. If ever.

Does your myspace song have any meaning?
yep the whole playlist does, I wish I could put Ever The Same by Rob Thomas on there... but I couldn't find it.

Hollister, Abercrombie, or American Eagle?
Old Navy! lol yay orientation tomorrow!

What did you wear to sleep last night?
I ell asleep in my jeans and a t shirt. sad I know.

Do you hate anyone?
nope

What were you doing ten minutes ago?
this survey, and drinking coffee...

Who was the last person that told you they loved you?
my mom! =) then Cherie (I think) then Jake ... lol I talked to a lot of people today!

If you were stranded on a deserted island would you survive?
nope, yay diabetes!

Do you have any really close friends of the opposite sex?
I use to have more close guy friends then I do now, I'm mainly only super close to my boyfriend. (Joshy too but he's family so idk if that counts lol)

Have you consumed any alcohol in the past 72 hours?
Nope

Be one hundred percent honest, do you care what people say about you?
sure everyone does to some extent... if you didn't it may be hard to find a job, do well in school and be all around socially unawkward. The problem comes when you allow that care to be so great that it changes who you are.

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Grand Haven, it's pretty there. oh unless you are counting Meijer and school and downtown?

Do you get mad easily?
no

How much longer until your birthday?
too long =P

Was your last kiss drunk or sober?
Sober, all of them have and will be sober... their much more enjoyable that way.

Do you play an instrument?
Air guitar and I must say, I'm pretty kick ass... Nah. I think I even fail at that...

Would you say last night was enjoyable?
not really, the night before certainly was!

What annoys you most?
not feeling good enough, in general.

What's the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
changed, ate, called Jake.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Wallmart shopping with Megan! the sweater I got way too long ago from my aunt for christmas. I swear this thing is the warmest sweater in the world! even if it makes me look sheepish lol. baah




well that was fun, now onward to productivity! I'm knitting a scarf for Jake that I hope doesn't take as long as all my other merry christmas in july projects have! (well at least his birthday is in july)


sorry lj you just cant get rid of me!

God bless

7:55pm: wasureru koto nai daisuki na tomodachi
I guess I'll end this, much like it began.

Stars dance above her, as she looks up and ponders over all the moments they have shared. Friends grow older, marry and move away. Other seem to be around still, but more silent at times. An old worn out book, once full of possibilities has been passed around and shared with a waiting world. Some could care less to read others found encouragement… and yet some still even added words to its very pages. You can write and write forever it seams, the possibilities are as endless as the stars, and as vast as the sky they dance in. But one book, can only hold so much, before it begins to also way you down. Aren’t memories enough? One would suppose so, as they can be recalled at any time, not always accurate but never do they leave. Companion of mine, it’s time I bit you adieu, it’s time I flip through pages of lighthearted laughter, intense suspension, from first kiss to broken hearts, from healing to confidence, from old friends to new and all the in-betweens and remember, but not hold on. Just as friendships have their seasons in life, I believe this season has ended. It’s summer in my heart, and still winter in these pages. The girl once more looks down, but this time to find, the torn pages and old cover have fallen from her hands, safly she tucks it into a box, and like a time capsule, barriers it. She is no longer a child, the world need not know her every whim, and she knows those close to her heart will know where she is in life, simply by asking her. Unlike when she began, now there are plenty to listen, and even deeper friendships to cherish. She covers the hole (and so much more) knowing where to come back to, but remembering that the memories will always live on in her heart. Arigatou, na tomodachi. And with the setting of the sun, she walks off to face a world of new beginnings.



(translation, btw this journal was named after this song)


You taught me
how to dream
and long and such.

I told you only a little while ago,
even if we get torn apart,
I won't forget
our dreams, so...

...even though I'm far away from you,
I don't want to give up.
Even though we've always been
rivals.

I don't need to hear any news,
beloved friend.
I don't tell anyone else
my foremost thoughts.

We'll meet once more, right,
beloved friend.

I won't forget you,
beloved friend.

Lastly, the update:

I'll be attending Art school in a month, I'll be living in a new city and making new friends all over again. This time though, I'll be looking forward to staying ^.^

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy. To the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen." Jude 1:24-25

God bless you all
~Amber

~Fin~

12:40am: my son is an army boy
life is so full of change... my head is spinning so fast I can hardly keep up with it all.

some day you just might find yourself
living in a town you never thought of
aspiring to go to a school you once hated
driving/ owning a type of car you have never been particularly fond of
have people lined up out the door to pay you pennies for what use to be a hobby
listening to music you use to hate
wearing makeup... wait really!?
waking up early 5 days a week
being interested in new things
loosing interest in old fav.s
meeting someone once and then going out for coffee later
watching kids movies in Panama city beach while everyone outside is wasted
wanting to visit places 2 years ago you'd never even heard of
meeting your friends families (on purpose)
working in a place you never wanted to step foot into
bad associations no longer ruin songs or movies

and best of all Loving Every Moment of it

I need a cool bumper sticker for my new... vehicle =P because I don't have a son, and he is not an army boy.

"I feel like I'm part of the family now" -me
"you are, the cats like you" -Laycee
"nope, you'll have to marry in" - her mom
"eww, no, you don't want to marry my brother, trust me!" -Laycee

=D in other news Shaun liked his picture, and paid for it too. Yay. and about 5 other people asked me to do commissions for them... and Laycee gave me a bunch of charcoal pencils

I'm going to see an 80s hair band w/ my friend Megan, who's family I met last week. That was fun. =)

I have some new clothing, yay, a purse that isn't broken (woo hoo) and a car that works, life is good.

You know, I feel like God has a way of keeping me humble, by showing me that I much prefer His plans to my own. I use to be afraid of change, to some extent I still am... but its growing on me


bye bye Tomo (my car), we had some good times...

life feels so...New o.O;

is it time for a new journal? (raise your hand if you still read or if I should just stop updating this)

12:46am: so close yet so far...
this still life needs so badly to be done, life can only remain a mystery for so long... until excitement turns to frustration.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinate cold
But you sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now your my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray-
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now your my only hope

I give you my empathy
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now your my only hope
~Switchfoot

in other news
I may be driving a mini van soon... Tomo is on her last..errr wheel?
the misquotes here are... ginormous (its creepy)
there's a church in town that does service at 5pm on Saturday! (its Baptist too =D) ...now if only I had a way to get there
and Laycee has been bugging me to do my meds, get my still life done, and helped me do taxes (yes I was late)... oh yes and her parents may be selling m their mini van... I feel verry <3ed!
I took a 7 mile walk, and now am in the middle of my 6 day work week. (yay big check)
Lastly I found out that when sumer is here I cook, a whole lot more
in the last 2 weeks I cooked several new things that surprisingly turned out well.
asparagus soup w/ Italian tomato/ parmesan chicken and garlic bread
chicken and bean soup (weird but good)
Spaghetti w/ meat balls
meat loaf style burgers and guacamole =D
Spicy Chili (I think this was the best try making it... but it made my mouth go numb, I shouldnt have eaten it after that 3 hour walk)
and today we had pork loin with baked apples and carrots (I had no idea if I was going to turn out ok but was pleasantly surprised! yay) and fried eggplant! (Laycee liked it, thus I did good).

yay for college being a time to experiment w/ foods and recipes! and super yay for working under chefs! (that italian chicken was my bosses idea) and with older ladies who have been cooking a long while!

so I guess, if your hungry... you buy the food I'll cook it ;) name a time and day (quick before my cooking kick is gong!)

ok God bless and goodnight.

11:57pm: Agape
life's uncertainty might be getting to me... maybe this is just an opportunity to find excitement in the unknown? a chance to trust God, and see Him come through for me yet again.

a good friend gave me some advice a friend gave him... it's quite helpful
"don't hold on to the past, and don't hold back from the future" -Steve
sometimes I feel like when I do look back, I get distracted, thus making the second part (pursuing the future) harder to do.

These past two weeks have been a series of well... bad days. In fact, this has been the hardest semester I have ever faced. but I guess that doesn't make it bad. You know, it seams that people were strategically placed in my life to cheer me up when it was needed. Even today I was so frustrated with how busy we were and a co worker that honestly isn't mean but for some reason the first half of the day we weren't working well together, and I got into employee dinning and took a tray and some guy was walking up to get one so I moved out of the way and he was like "you took my tray!" (kidding of coarse)... I don't know I think random people teasing me has a tendency to brighten my day... unless their untactful and rude, that happens too sometimes =/

anyway guys confuse me to no end and I'm sort of thankful for the time being that no one is pursuing me, because every time that happens I seam to miss their intentions and when I realize it thats about the time they decide I'm not worth talking to anymore. This has happened too much for one semester, I'm sick of it. To be honest I still miss talking to Joshua, as friends, I enjoyed talking to him. And now Andrew doesn't talk to me either, it's not like I insulted either of them, (unless you count moving my leg away from Andrews hand? or... or saying that I can't agree on the born with the holy spirit argument Josh was explaining)

I guess, there is someone however who has encouraged me, as a brother in Christ. He talked to me for 2 hours about the whole Andrew thing, In fact he came over the first day I went out to lunch with Andrew and suggested just about every week that I let Andrew know I think of him as a friend... I did finally take that suggestion and introduced Andrew to my roommates as my friend from college, well, that's another story.anyway, My friend suggested I only become close friends w/ guys who love God, thats another suggestion I may have to take him up on (the first was the quote at the beginning of the post). I feel like we have everything in common... no really everything. I was flipping through one of Chad's (Kendra's bf... shes my roommate come this fall) roommates cd cases I found FIF, the offspring, System of a down, MXPX, My chemical romance, (wait heres the Kicker) 4 Audio Adrenalin cds, Brad Paisley (by this time I knew it was Steve's cd case), and the OC Supertones ...to name a few.
He's also incredibly geeky, runs his computer on linex, Loves pirates, Taylor Swift (she did write him a song after all), and veggie tales ...and disney movies. Oh and he owns Candy Land... I don't know any other 21 year old guy who has recently purchased that game and doesn't have kids... =) that was my fav. game growing up btw. Should I continue and tell you he loves star wars science fiction and best of all God!
you know those people you see everywhere and can't get rid of? ... well since we took a walk after cru to towers and he told me when I move to GR he's going to show me the good churches to go to... he's been that person. You know the one who arrives at the same place your going to and gets out of their car at the same time you do and you didn't expect them to be there. Or the person who your roommate is good friends with so you end up cooking for them and hanging out with them every other tuesday. Or that person you get stuck cooking at their apartment for a few hours with because they can't say no to hosting easter dinner (it was sort of pushed on him) and you simply couldn't say no to cooking it ^.^;; (Nichole had class and I had the time sort of...)... Or that person who lives with your roomate's bf, and not only is from where your moving to, but loves it there and quite possibly is moving back...

yeah, you know, that person. (huh I even left out quite a lot)

but you know, we have so much in common I doubt we'd balance each other out. I hear from Chad he lacks taking initiative in life, which to be honest I think I struggle with that too. And to be honest, I'm not doing the pursuing this time, it'll take initiative to captivate my attention, Steve's an awesome man of God, I'll leave it at that for now. Because to be honest I don't have feelings for him other then that (despite my identity rant), I think if anything were to become of this more then friendship God will need to grow his willingness to take action, and sure attraction can grow later on.. but for now in all cases I believe God has put my heart into slumber so that love may not be awakened before it's time.

the last blossom to bloom, is the most beautiful of them all.

I believe this year God is teaching me... strengthening me, so that I can honestly say this to my man someday
(because an uncircumstantial love is the headrest to obtain)

Come What May, Come What May!
I will love you, until my dying day!

God Bless

~Amber

1:56am: Butterflies of DooM
-_- I didn't want to admit it, I still don't but I clearly have an issue.

Latte (yes thats right...him) boy enters the scene, the cashier (the one who said she thinks he's married) turn and smiles at me, the little far off pedestrian at the table clearly not interested! Then of coarse, he looked and smiled.

"I haven't see you in a while" -Mark
"they don't work me at coffee shop much anymore"- Me
"you must have made someone mad! I bet a customer complained about you putting smily faces in their lattes, I guess your just to friendly" -Mark
"oh yes I'm sure that's got to be it" -me
"well, at least I like your smily faces...in the lattes" -Mark

...he didn't have a ring. Which might not mean he doesn't have a girlfriend. For that matter I don't know him I am set on not liking him like I did before the whole married thing (even if he is a nice, incredibly attractive guy).

I just dropped the whole idea, I hardly ever see him anyway. I gave Terri (the cashier) a death glare and was like "why'ed you do that!" he exscuse was that he was ging to smile at me anyway, he always smiles when he sees me... yeah, right.

So I was doing great, I let it go. But today, I saw him in the break room (I hope he didn't see me sit like 4 chairs away) but I wasn't facing his way so thus no smile exchange... so why does this matter if I dont like him and am
determined not to... I got Major butterflies. my heart skipped a few beats and I was even shaking a small bit =0 how uncool is that!? Seriously I feel like I fell back to like the mentality of middle school. Why!? I didnt encurage myself to like him, I didnt pretend like I know him (I dont) I dont even want to like him like that! Where is this feeling coming from?? better yet, How do I get rid of it? =/

ok the pie stopped steaming, I'm covering it and going to bed (I've been up 21 hours as it is)
(today I had work, class, and i made a pie i said I'd make for dinner I'm doing most of the cooking for tomorrow)

night all

8:34pm: Answers
I am currently running on 8 shots of espresso (close to that anyway the latte is still partly waiting to be consumed)
and probably 2.3 hours of sleep.

you may be wondering why I've been so hard to get ahold of. I have been wondering that myself. I still need a Good explanation. oh wait... Work covers it well. So what have you missed... what have I missed? Let me begin one week from today back. (but believe me I feel off the face of the earth way before that, not just w/ one friend group either.)

Ah Good coffee Strong coffee... let us take a look see at the diagnoses!

O_O!! I work Wednesday!??? but, I never work then T_T And I have a doctors visit. So my boss got me that day off, because I wouldn't have come in either way. The price was my Monday. So I had to take Tuesday to ketch up on the sleep I'd missed from weekend work/ woman's retreat. (which I only went to part of) 30 something busses and ship shawana... let me tiered, enough to sleep 15 hours.... straight.

Do you know What Prayer gets you... (come on Kids, sunday school answer)
Jesus! (yes but not what I was looking for)
God (well....yes but)
candy?
No, even better! ...Answers.

Wednesday was... life changing. I had a strange sense of peace.

God had placed a certain... well place on my heart. But me? Go? no way I can't travel! Not there. For 4 weeks, my doctor will Never agree. but regardless I prayed, there must be a reason I can't stop thinking bout this place, these people. A reason I keep getting so close to those who went, or, are going. Finally, I asked. He answered. Am I meant to pray for them (yes), how about encourage those going (yes). now then, do I go?

"Amber, Turkey is a beautiful place! I have always wanted to go. You should take me with you. so long as you do your medications you can stay 3 weeks, well you could even stay 3 months if you felt like it! I think it'd be a good idea, I have a feeling you'd do your medications more there then you are here." - Dr. Nazer

who'd have thought my doctor would not only agree but encourage me to go! I realize this is not a cheep trip, it will be difficult to get the $ to go, but if God can make me healthy enough to go, I don't doubt He will provide in other ways if he wants me there!

Every blessing seamed to build upon another. I know God is in control of how long I live,
but to hear my doctor say this was such a blessing to me.
"if you keep up your pfts like they've been, you can kick that 39 mark out of the way, you'll have a normal life span"

I just about cried.

What about getting into art school? What major do I need? ...What about health insurance!?

=) I'm covered, for life! (just like how I'm covered for life by God's grace... apparently that stretches farther then I'd ever known into the physical)

speaking of Art school I need to get back to that still life, I'll give you all more of an update on life later <3


take care I love you all!

~Amber

11:53am: City Lights Country Skis!
I went from tiny village, to college town… now onto something new and exciting.

I went from shy little girl, to confident lady… now onto where true courage can be found

I went from independent, to learning to trust, finally onto excepting help from others as a blessing to be cherished…

God has made me glorious. =D (just like He has made you glorious)

Quick update
As I drove up near my destination I saw a city, a real city! I thought for sure it was smaller??? Oh but it was so pretty, even though the one way streats confused me, the buildings were breathtaking, yet, not so giant as to be overwealming to my small town self… am I really living here!? Is this where I’ll cal home next year?

You’ve no idea how excited I am, to see how greatly God has blessed me! With roommates, good friends, provision, confidence! I am not so sevear as to say I am ugly, I know I am beautiful! I no longer cower at the thought that I have issues, so does everyone else! I have found the importance of n excepting family… I want to be encouragement to them, to you, to him someday.

“There are some real nice Christian men in GR!” –Steve
“your not talking about yourself are you!?” -Laycee

I cant wait! I am excited, mostly… to have Sundays again… I miss them!

Also… to get away… not from my Cru, friends, family… co-workers (er wait back up!)

-_- today I found out the table games dude that hit on me several times obviously doesn’t realize my age (his kid is half my age awkward!)… and he strongly disagrees w/ purity rings… good for him. Lol I’m so glad that came up in conversation, maybe he’ll stop trying.

That creepy stewart from 3ed shift is leaving me alone now… Megan took care of him for me =P

or that guy that works vale and would get coffee a lot, who apparently is married but flirted regardless of the fact.

I just need some anti-creepy boy spray! Anyone have any to spare?

Then there are always those random instances where I’m hit on there… I’m aftraid to be friendly they may take it wrong =/

Anyway… I’m on a country kick rate now. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYZmXZE7Nts you should watch this it's cute!


speaking of music ...I was flipping through someone’s cds the other day, Chad (Kendra, my roommate for next year,’s bf/ a cool friend of mine) said he had no idea which roommate the cd case belonged to…

System of a Down, project 86, some other bands that I know I’ve heard before, a workout mix that had iorn man on it =P …this was entertaining music, then I saw an Audeo A cd… really??? who’s is this, there were 4 in all (underdog included) FIF Cheeses!!! …I became suspicious… when I saw Brad Paisley and The O.C. Supertones I knew for sure it was Steves. It’s a darn good thing you can’t fall for someone because of the music they like. (he did keep telling me I listen to good music, funny we just now are seeing this similarity)

Off topic again…
I had my portfolio review, I need to make two more still lifes, so if you could be praying about that I’d really appreciate it!

I got lost trying to find my car =P I must have looked lost too, because some buisnessy/ talll buff looking dude started walking next to me talking about how lame it is he had to park at the college to get the cheapest spot and walk more then a block away for work.
(he probably said that in case I was looking for the college… too bad he didn’t know where my car was too lol) Sadly for him though I felt a little less awkward being alone in town, he didn’t calm my nerves much being probably twice my hight lol.

I saw some chef w/ an apron on walk briskly from a small sandwich shop. I just wanted to hang out there and see the city… but that’s not smart when you hardly remember where you parked your car =P

And I’m pretty sure the guy who parked his car in front of me gave me 20min on my meter, because he was putting coins in his, when I got to mine there was 16 min. on it… that turned out to be a big blessing because I ran out of change.

My interviewer won an Adobe award in Illustration, so I got a lot of really good tips! If I fail to get in at least I know how to improve my work. His creative philosophy is “tell a story” if you know me you know that works out real well. Too bad I was too nervous to fully explain why I chose to show some pieces… like the story behind the dancing in the rain one.

So here I am again, I know so much more then I did before, Life is still poring rain down, but I think the sun is beginning to break through my cloudy sky =D and if not… my friends are the umbrella God has so blessed me with!


Praise be to God, and to the Son, and to the holy spirit, As it was in the beginning, is now, and forever shall be. A world without end. Amen.

God Bless you guys!
~Amber